Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Broken Guitars and broken promises

My first guitar was an ancient dusty wooden box which I discovered underneath the bed, I think it belonged to mom many years ago. I had not heard of pearl jam then, and thus the fact that it was a Hawaiian Steal guitar wasn’t of much consequence to me. Little did I know, that my future as a metal-head was almost severely jeopardized. I was sent off to the local guitar maestro, who taught me more about the English language and eccentricity than I would care to write about. He also taught me to play a Bengali song (which I do not remember). Playing my first guitar could only be described as painful and being instructed by the man even more so.

My second guitar was a work of inspired labor. It was as if the luthier had decided to make a chair and halfway through changed his mind and made a guitar instead. His inspired work cost my dad a whopping hundred and fifty rupees and cost me bruised fingers for several months until my mother came to my rescue. The guitar’s fret board was almost an inch below the strings, and was an excellent example of warping and bad intonation. But there was indeed something very special about this guitar. It was a Spanish style acoustic. I don’t remember whether it was my insistence or the fact that it was the cheapest guitar available which swayed my father’s decision in its favor. I like to believe it was my insistence, contrary to everything I know about my father. My teacher however, insisted that this was a honest-to-god Hawaiian and continued my instruction for the same. He didn’t have much of a choice as he did not know anything about Spanish guitars. But since the guitar was so poorly constructed, it did serve as a decent hawaiian.

One day, I came back home from school to find the guitar smashed. I held up my close friend in its death woes, and slowly watched it die. I was angry, I wanted to know who had done this. I discovered that my mother driven to another mad rage by my father had gone on a rampage, and my guitar had fallen victim to her pent-up frustrations. I was furious with my mother, but in retrospect I thank her for it.

My father promptly dispatched us to the guitar-shop where he had bought the guitar to get them to repair it. The luthier laughed and said something about firewood. Thus began my guitar deprived months. My father promised to buy me a nice guitar, and I waited excitedly, and then waited some more. The puja season came and I was given money by all my relatives. I had been saving and had not spent the money I had received last puja either. The total was now at Rs. 1200 and I gave this money to mom for safe-keeping. I still waited for the guitar. Then one day my dad came home with a nice acoustic jumbo. It was the most beautiful thing I had heard. The smell of fresh wood and the sound of new strings marked the beginning of a long love-affair. I never saw my money again. So I came to the conclusion that I had paid for my own guitar. She lasted me almost eight years and still lies at home – old and neglected.

A few years later, my family and I went to a music store in New York. And there were these electronic keyboards on display. I gazed at them with admiration. I wondered at what music could come of these black and white keys. Infinite possibilities loomed. I was distracted by loud voices in the store, and recognized one to be my father’s. He was complaining about something, and the clerk was trying to tell him that he wasn’t finished with the last customer. The fact that my father waited for a while as the clerk finished with the last customer equated to racial profiling to my father and he made his displeasure known clearly. He kept saying he was a diplomat, which I found embarrassing and amusing at the same time. The clerk told him that he wasn’t behaving like one. So my father countered by saying that he could buy the whole shop if he wanted to. And my mom pitched in to defend him, and said, he would buy anything for his son. After we were told to leave, my mom explained to me that my father meant well, and would indeed buy me a keyboard, because I had such potential. My father also told me all about how these white people don’t like catering to us brown people. I was very excited at the thought of learning the keyboards and I waited for my mother to make good on her promises. I was fourteen and today I am twenty-five, I have never owned a keyboard and I stopped waiting a long time ago.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Patriotica incognita

Well, I guess I AM a patriot! But I hide this feeling, I hide it beneath some other pressing emotions...mostly disgust and dissappointment...

There was a time not long ago, that I believed that living in India sucks real bad!
And believe it or not, I had/have my reasons. But I was told,
"Its just as bad everywhere!"
"Oh! You will get used to it!"
"But, you will be a second rate citizen!"
"You will have to do your own dishes!"
etc.. etc..

I am a first-rate citizen as opposed to anywhere else right, why should I complain?
Well, on a average 30 minute ride, roughly 30 autorickshaw drivers will suddenly cut into my path, some 20 odd taxi-drivers will honk incessantly, even though there are ten cars in a jam in front of me...

Almost everytime I stand in a queue, at least two three people bypass it. Of course by the time I am done with the third guy, the fourth guy gets the picture. And this happens everywhere, railway tickets, airline check-in counters, public bathrooms, you name it...

In india you stand in queue for everything, want your hair cut, wait in a queue!! want to arrange transport , wait in a queue! wanna take a piss, wait in a queue! There are just so many people, that everything is a struggle. Of course, thats just how I feel , for the rest of the people, or at least a sizable portion of them, a queue is a synonym for "Hey! Fuck all these idiots standing in the queue, lets just walk to the front!"

By the time I get to work, My hair is caked with dust, and I travel in a rickety BMTC bus, whose manufacturers think of a suspension as a design overhead. As I bump and grind through the traffic at work, I am pretty much done for the day...

There are rats in the mall!!! Yes! You heard it right! The singaporean company that runs the IT park, of course, does not care much because ... "it's indians we are dealing with... the first 100 or so complaints are ok!! Surely we can wait for some mass epidemic of some sorts"

And this is one of the best software parks in Bangalore, or so they say!!

The postal service is so inept that they take forvever to deliver my passport to me, they sit on it for ten days, when I go to the post office they send me back saying that it hasn't arrived yet!

Well, if by now I am not feeling like a first grade citizen, then there's more...

...to be continued...

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Variable Performance Happiness

I remember the joy I experienced when I found out that I had landed a job at Infineon. Some guy at the hostel came up to me and told me that two guys were through and I was one of them.
I was incredulous, and walked to the placement block in the hot afternoon. After searching the display boards for a while, I found it. There it was- the key to my happiness - my name in bold along with Saurabh's. The joy I felt that day I remember. I could even say that I was happy.

"The dissection of happiness"

I wonder what was it that made me feel that way, or what is it that makes me happy.
I wonder coz it would great help to know in which direction I should be headed towards.
Doing something extra-ordinary always has made me happy and so has doing something creative. But beyond that I am not sure. Winning makes me happy, so does eating exotic food.
Company makes me happy and so does intellectual debate. A full day of doing very diverse stuff makes me very happy. Like ...
"Hey Ori! Why dont we hit the ice skating rink after your performance at the wembley stadium?"
Or

"Hey Ori! I know flying around in a fighter jet can be tiring, but why dont we spend the rest of the day climbing all the stairs in the petronas towers?"

I am crazy right? perhaps, but these rising expectations of what is the minimum threshld to tickle me is very frustrating to keep up with...

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Vae Victus

When Brennus the lord of the Gaul army threw his sword upon the scales, he claimed that in defeat people have no right to justice. The vanquished romans acquised. That was in the year 387 BC. Almost 2300 years later, when American politicians latched on to Rudyard Kipling's "White Man's Burden" as a noble pretext for imperialism, the context was perhaps the same. Only this time, the context had taken racial hue.

Racism, and the allied concepts of supremacism, propagates the "feeling" of superiority of one race over another. But for me, this is quite a difficult concept to grasp. For one thing, I don't quite understand the concept of race. For another, I am not sure in which field this "superiority" is being judged. My instinct tells me that it is, perhaps, technological or even cultural practices which creates the illusion of racial superiority. The statistics of asian student in american university is a sure indicator of the fact that technological knowledge cannot be owned by a race. A patent can be owned, but knowledge cannot be contained- or anti-piracy laws can always be circumvented in China.

I have always lamented the "subjugated" history of the nation I hail from. I am alarmed by how a small contingent of European troops conquered the nations and kingdoms comprising India. The british didn't even send their royal troops. We kinda got whacked by the "security troops" of a trading company? Where these europeans truely heroic giants, who smote my people hither and thither? Did they sit astride their magnificent golden steeds and strike fear into the heart of the nawabs and shahs and what-nots ( whose dynasties invaded India a few centuries ago. ) Or where they conniving balding men with gastric ulcer, kissing the feet of our Afghan/Arab/Mughal princes and then corrupting their minds with diplomacy and greed.
I honestly don't know.

But what I do know is that the fate of a conflict is decided by various parameters. And I am of the opinion that the dude with the biggest guns usually beats the crap out of the ethiopian militant with a machette. Unless the dude has been giving very ambiguous instructions by the UN. For e.g. "Seargant Big-Gun! You are a peace keeper. DO NOT open fire! I repeat DO NOT!! IGNORE THAT MAN HACKING YOU TO DEATH!!"

I am sure that there have been instances when the technologically weaker party to the conflict emerges victorious.. leading to many teary-eyed-happy-ending to those underdog war movies.
But, I am forced to ponder how that island the size of Tamil Nadu came up with that ridiculous concept of the perpetual shining sun and all! Industrial revolution, perhaps... or was it the age of exploration?

Saturday, January 20, 2007

Genocide

For the longest time, I have been gripped by a need to understand people. Why they do what they do? There is so much to study to answer this question, that I am convinced that a person with my levels of motivation can never come to answer the question. Well, the truth could be that no one can answer these questions. It is the story of human suffering which I want to probe, the tale of greed, corruption, war and genocide - to chalk out the true character of man. I am 24, and I am somewhat inclined to believe that mankind is largely a deplorable species. I have had no dearth of wonders and miracles which I attribute to my kind, but yet I am convinced of the inherent wretchedness, selfishness and cruelty of man. I am commited to this belief, and try to hope that in the course of my journey, I will learn to think otherwise.

Many years ago, I dont quite recall well, perhaps when I was 10, I saw "Escape from Sobibor". I remember my father telling me that it was a movie worth watching. So I stayed up late, and watched it! It is the first time in my life I learnt about Nazism, concentration camps and genocide. Since then, I have travelled to europe and seen some of these concentration camps. I have seen countless documentaries, hollywood productions, browsed through wiki and even read some books on this topic. As I think back to these periods of learning about these atrocities, I am shocked about how I felt when I visited the concentration camps.

I was shocked by not what transpired there, but was shocked by the fact that I didn't react at all. I was unmoved. I was untouched by the tales of human tragedy. I was untouched by the pictures I saw of human corpses piled outside gas chambers. I was untouched when I saw the size of the bunk-beds and the tales of how many people were crammed into that little space. I merely blinked when I saw pictures of emacited men working away to death..."

"Arbeit macht frei"

"Work shall set you free" - These word greeted the newly arrived detainees at concentration camps. For me it was more like "Exposure to humanity will set you free", I realize that all those years of disturbing footage has desensitised me to the plight of humanity. I am free from the grief I should feel, but yet not free from a deep seated feeling that ignorance is a sin. Ignorance of what really happened and who it happened to? And who committed these crimes?

I list below some genocides that have occured in the past ( source: wikipedia )
Place : year: people killed: people displaced
1. Sudan (darfur conflict) : 1983 : 2,000,000 : 4,000,000
2. Rwanda : 1994 :900,000
3. Bosnia : 1992-95: 8,000
4. East Timor:1975-1999: 150,000
5. Cambodia:1975-1979:1,700,000
6. Burundi:1972: 150,000
7. Bangladesh : 1971 : 1,500,000
8. China : Communist Era : ???
9. Armenia: 1915-1923 : 1,500,000
10. Germany : WW-II : 6,000,000
11. Congo: 1880-1920 : 10,000,000

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Flex your Mussels

Mangalore Pearla!!
After all this racism talk on tv, I hope my habit of ending all words with the trademarka aaa wont get me into troublaa ... Anyways, all thats besides the point.. My long running boredom and unhappiness was abruptly brought to an end....by mussels... more accurately by a combinaion of prawns, chicken, squid and mussels. Not to mention today was month number 7 for me and tina...yeah!!

I loved the dinner!! I haven't eaten this much in a while...

I am hungry again...damn...gotto go

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

This feeling

Of late, I have been gripped by this feeling. I cant explain it, but its one of the worst feelings I have ever had. I am constantly controlled by it. Its a feeling of hopelessness. Its a feeling that all that was exciting and all that was new is now over. A voice in my head constantly reminds me of the fact that I will not experience anything novel again.

I am surprised by the lack of any true meaning or direction to my life... and this bothers me. Perhaps, this is the culmination of years of cynicism. Or, maybe, it's just my inner conflict causing me great grief. For many months , I have not been dedicated towards work. Have not really put myself into it. The scary thing is that I feel that I never will. What exasperates e even more is that there is nothing else that I would rather do. If I had not been really depressed in the past, I would be inclined to believe that I am depressed now.

I wonder, what is it, beyond the context of work, that defines me? What am I? I feel this questions are no entwined with the remainder of my life. I was at a crossroads sometime back. A crossroad of career choices, and now that I have made my choice, I am scared whether this is the right road for me.

Its an effort for me to write... for I am just not driven enough to do anything more than, eat ...work... sleep...